Monday, February 4, 2013

DIY Survival: How to wrestle a crocodile

Recently there was news story about a crocodile wandering the streets of a town and I wondered what the hell you would do if you ran into it. Run is the option most people would take (and if this was a Max Walker book of the same title I probably would) but we are not most people. We are members of the HiiRagi Army and running is not an option. We live by a code of courage, strength and honour and in light of this I thought it my responsibility to help my minions with the best chance of survival: wrestling that goddamn crocodile into submission.

Ok, so here are a number of strategies to take:

1. If you are on land, try to get onto the croc's back and whilst riding like there is no tomorrow (spurs optional)put downward pressure onto it's neck which will force its head down.

2. Cover the croc's eyes, apparently it makes them more sedate. Then tie that bastard up!

3. Now, if it attacks you, go for the eyes and nose first. Use anything you have at hand or your fist, just like Ali.

Yep, that's how you do it sunshine!

4. If the croc has your arm or something else you need to remove from its mouth, again punch it on the snout. Show it you mean business.

5. If, despite your best efforts, it manages to get you in its jaws, you MUST prevent it from shaking you or rolling over with you. This is bad news. Try to keep the mouth clamped shut so it doesn't begin shaking and pray to HiiRagi that someone turns up soon. Otherwise just keep punching it. In fact, this seems to be the best option for everything.

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